The "Woman" without the Father

Little girls who live without a father do so not only due to death, abandonment, or divorce, but also due to physically present fathers but who are emotionally absent, or ill over a lengthy period of time in some way (clinical depression, terminal disease, etc.), or because the father is a workaholic, or because in some fashion the father is a disappointment to the daughter, as might be the case in a weak or ineffectual father. Such differing types of absence in the girl's life may have major consequences of varying kinds, since a healthy emotional and socio-psychological developmental trajectory in the early years of life does require some type of positive paternal role model.

Seeing the Self ReflectedOptimally, a little girl needs to see herself reflected
in the love she sees for herself in her father's eyes. This is how she develops
self confidence and self esteem. This is how she develops a healthy familiarity
with what a positive expression of love feels like. This is how she develops an
appreciation for her own looks, her own body. This is how she develops what
Jungians would call her 'animus,' her counter-sexual self; her masculine self,
which will help her be proactive, productive, and creative in the outer world as
she grows into adulthood.
If, however, the little girl does not have such a
relationship with the father, if she sees rejection or emotional coldness or
withdrawal in him, or if he simply is not available at all, her sense of self
will be tainted, her self confidence warped or non-existent, her portrait of a
loving relationship may be distorted or dysfunctional, and she may find herself
- no matter how pretty, vivacious, lovable, funny, or intelligent - lacking in
appeal.
Belief in the SelfClearly, self confidence and self esteem can be
forged through one's own endeavors during the life course, even if a father has
not been present, but the path to success in such endeavors, and the reasons for
which they are even attempted, tend to be quite different in the adult woman who
was raised with a positive relationship to her father, as opposed to the one who
was not. The former may excel simply because she believes in herself, while the
latter needs to excel in order to catch a glimpse of approval and recognition in
the eyes of those who give her a message of approval, honor, or prestige. The
value of such a belief in oneself, easily acquired by the woman with a positive
relationship to her father, is immeasurable in the adult life, and the lack of
it in many of the countless women who were raised without a positive father
image, may cause the life course to be fraught with difficulties.
The
Multi-faceted Arena of RelationshipsPerhaps the arena in which the most painful
process of learning how to deal with the early lack of a father is played out is
in that of relationships. If a girl has not been assured of her value as a woman
by that early relationship with the father, she finds it difficult to relate to
men precisely because she may often unconsciously seek to find that recognition
in the eyes of the beloved…and this may lead her down an early path of
promiscuity... which in turn makes her feel she is “bad”, but on she marches,
relentlessly visiting bed after bed, locking in a fierce embrace with man after
man, in the hope that this one or that one, or the next one will finally give
her that which she never had as a child - validation of herself for herself.
Marrying 'Daddy'Other women may choose another route, falling in love with
an older man and thus marrying 'daddy.' At this point many different scenarios
may ensue. If the man is at all psychologically aware (something often, but not
always lacking in older men who like younger girls), he may have a vague inkling
of what is going on. Therefore, once she starts - within the secure confines of
the relationship or marriage - the process of growth, which will inevitably lead
her to separate from her husband in some ways that are emotionally and
psychologically necessary in order for her become her own woman, he will not
blanch in fear at this process, and allow her the necessary space and freedom to
do so. In that case, the marriage will in all likelihood thrive and continue to
grow. If, however, the man is not aware, and sees her search for growth as a
threat to the superiority he felt upon marrying a young, and as yet undeveloped
woman, he will attempt to stifle her, to manipulate her psychologically by
making her believe she is worthless, silly, or, and this appears to be a
perennial favorite, that she "needs professional help in order to calm down and
behave like she used to before."
Avoiding Engaging the EmotionsAnother
possible scenario (and there are many more which for reasons of space can not be
touched upon in this article) is that of avoiding relationships totally, or of
avoiding the engagement of one's emotions (see my July
2006 Newsletter for an article about this scenario expressed as neediness -
both for men and for women). Examples here abound: the maiden aunt, who
dedicates her life to her nieces and nephews, or who becomes a teacher and
dedicates her life to her career; the nun, who dedicates her life to God, or the
prostitute, who, although she may engage her body, rarely engages her emotions.
Another example is that of the eternal seductress, who needs to remain in
control by seducing the man and never actually involving her own feelings. A
slightly more difficult to recognize version of the same scenario is played out
by the woman who consistently has relationships with married men who never leave
their respective wives for her. On an unconscious level this suits her just fine
because it gives her the perfect excuse never to have to commit herself totally.
Finding Self-Confidence and Recognition in the SelfThe core of the matter
is, of course, that the self-confidence and recognition so avidly sought must be
found within oneself rather than in the outer world - at least initially - in
order to be of lasting and true value. The world of emotions that is avoided out
of fear or because one never really learned what love is, must first be found in
oneself (i.e. it is necessary to love the self before one loves another). The
task of accomplishing this, requires that the individual become aware of him or
herself (by observing the self, the self-talk, and all emotions that occur, good
or bad, since all of these serve to give clues about the true self), and that
absolute honesty about oneself be employed in this process. Let the reader be
warned: this process is not a simple weekend project; it must be ongoing
throughout life; it must become second nature, but it will pave the road to
finding inner self-confidence and love for oneself, which will in turn lead to
the abolishment of the need for finding these things in another. This is one of
the roads to inner freedom that psychological knowledge offers.
Dr. Kortsch
is a psychotherapist, clinical hypnotherapist, relationship coach, author, and
professional speaker. She broadcasts a live weekly
radio show from southern Spain that is available on the Internet or for
listening on her website. She can help you move towards greater personal and
relationship success with her integral approach to life and offers training and
workshops in the field of self-development and choosing responsibility for the
self. Visit Advanced Personal
Therapy.com.